Staying Grounded

Adam is grounded for two weeks due to failing his open book test. Alex should be grounded too but for the life of me I can't figure out what the punishment for throwing lunchmeat should be. There are some things in which passing out punishment is easy; talking back = smack to back of head, bad grade = no TV or video games, hitting = sent to your room....throwing a slice of Carl Budding smoked turkey and a couple pieces of bread at your brother? It's been 2 days and I'm still struggling with that one. 

Grounding is a little like selling stuff at a yard sale in that you always set the price high enough so that you have room to negotiate down and still get a good deal. For Adam that meant he was told 2 weeks, but as the days go by and if he's lucky he will get days off for good behavior. Already Mandy and I are thinking school days only so 14 days has dropped to 10. He about had a heart attack when he realized that Saturday was included in the original two week period. I wonder if he knows the days of the week sometimes simply because he's always surprised when the next one comes and can never figure out when we go to church. "Do we have church today? Are we going twice or once (Wed nights)? Do have to get up and go to school tomorrow?" I literally saw him touch a red hot stove eye once after being told it was hot. In 6 years this person will be operating a motor vehicle. 

Grounding is almost as much a punishment for his parents as it is him...almost but not entirely. Truth be told I've been saving Night at the Museum 3 to watch with him, but if the mood hits me right he might just miss it. Plus I'm not cleaning the liter box at the moment which he can't stand to do. On the other hand, video games and TV do provide a distraction so his mom and I can get other things done without being constantly interrupted with "He won't stop touching me! Get out of my bedroom Alex! Mom Alex threw turkey at me!" I hate turning them into video game zombies, but those moments of piece and quiet are priceless someday. 

I don't know (the title of this post)

How do you accidentally throw a turkey sandwich at your older brother? That's just one of the many questions I never thought I would have to ask my children one day. The answer of course is " I don't know". Which seems to be the go to response to several questions around the house lately. How can you fail an open book test? Did you use soap when you took a shower? Who left these bread crumbs in my bed? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 

Each night I pray for wisdom, but I also pray that my boys will someday decide to use the brain God put between their ears. This morning during the ride into school I laid out the importance of good grades to Adam yet once again. Beyond the usual talk about how school is his job and good grades are how he gets paid; I got real with him and told him that someday it was going to be up to him to support the family. 

The truth is his mom and I are going to be really old one day and we will have spent all our money bailing Alex out of jail. I then begged Adam to consider a path in law so that Alex would never have to face the legal system with only a court appointed public defendant by his side. Of course I was half kidding, but anyone that throws a turkey sandwich at another person without any idea as to why, is bound to be in trouble with the law much sooner rather than later. I then realized mid-thought that I was talking to a 10 year old boy that routinely failed open book tests with no other answer as to why other then I don't know. 

I may start answering their questions with the same three word response just to see how frustrated they become when faced with such insanity. What's for dinner? Where is my tablet? Do I have lunch money? Where did the TV in my bedroom go? Who took the front wheel off my bicycle? Who keeps making Alex turkey sandwiches and telling him to throw them at me?

Therapy

I'm a bit broken as of late. Don't get me wrong, Mandy & the boys are doing fine. Work is good. In this day and age a good job is hard to come by and I'm so thankful for the one I have. That all being said I'm different inside. My Grandfather Beck passed away this summer and while I'm sure the cracks started to form long before his passing, it was those final days when I appeared so strong to my Grandmother and other family members that left me feeling broken deep inside. It was as if an earthquake had hit my soul overnight and the effects couldn't be truly  seen until daylight finally arrived sometime later. 

Scenes keep running through my mind. The doctor telling me that as Power of Attorney I needed to understand my Grandfather was waiting on something before he would truly let go. I remember holding the phone up to his ear as I gave each child and grandchild one last moment to tell him how much they loved him. I remember the silence in the room moments after he passed away. Standing there wondering what to do next and who should I get to lead the family through the next few hours. In those quiet moments in the middle of the night some other part of me took charge and did what needed to be done. Call the nurse, check on Granny, call the funeral home, wait for the body to be released...I shut my own grief out and fulfilled the responsibilities the family entrusted me with over a year before.

Sometimes I understand that there's a good chance I have never truly allowed myself a chance to grieve fully for my own loss. Then again maybe I have and this brokenness inside of me will just remain like a cut in the bend of the arm that opens up every time I extend the muscle; never getting a chance to fully heal. 

These days I'm dealing with some fairly strong anxiety issues. I've accepted that I'm somewhat fractured (maybe I always have been in some way) and the best way to survive the day is by avoiding the triggers that bring about the inability to breath or think clearly. I no longer check the mail, I avoid strangers, and I'm learning there are better ways to deal with confrontation rather than screaming and rushing head long into a dispute. Most arguments are not worth having so I refuse to participate.

For the most part the results are good. Mandy is as supportive as she has ever been. There are days when my fears and emotions get the best of me, but I'm learning how to deal with them and get past them as quickly as I can. I fear my anxiety issues make me appear weak though. The dr says I have a chemical imbalance that doesn't allow my body to deal with stress well. I completely agree...so as a means of therapy...as a way to get things off my chest, I'm going to try this blogging thing again. Writing makes me feel better about things. Plus I want my boys to remember what their dad was like in his own words long after I'm gone, which is why i started blogging to begin with. 

I may need camp counseling

Adam is going to camp in less then two weeks from now. When we first signed him up a few months back it didn't seem as large and impending as it does now. Kind of like a mountain from a distance that can be seen through your thumb and forefinger. Now that the time has come, from my point of view at the base of this mountain it looks like a terrifying climb.

I guess every parent wishes they could freeze time. We wish we could keep our children deep inside the cocoon we've made of our homes and never let them out, less the worst should happen. I guess if I had to think of all my flaws I'd list keeping up with current events as up near the top. Knowing what's taking place in the world around you is important, but it's also very scary. As the days pass to their inevitable conclusion (the car ride to camp), its my job to constantly remind him how strong he is, to reassure him that he will make new friends and memories that will last a lifetime. He needs to know there's nothing to worry about and nothing he can't handle while away...no matter how much my inner fears struggle to find a voice. Camp is going to be tough on all of us. 

I have something to say

I'm not entirely sure what I want to rant about today, but there is this overwhelming urge to get something off my chest whatever it may be. I think I'll land on Mandy's almost cave woman idea that the man should provide the food. I know she fully believes this because she expresses it to me (I'm walking a marital tight rope here) whenever the subject of who is going to go get fast food comes up, which is about 2-3 times a week. I completely understand this belief and today I'm thinking I've unfairly given her a hard time about it. Call it laziness, call it stubbornness, maybe I'm being cheap, but I think it's most likely related to my need to get from point A to point B in every situation as quickly as possible. For example recently I've discovered pre-cooked bacon. Not that fake turkey cardboard mess that claims to be bacon, but specifically Hormel pre-cooked bacon. In literally 45 seconds I've learned I can have pretty good tasting bacon. Sometimes I don't even warm it up. After all it's pre-cooked! All the work has been done for you!!! Yes it's not 100% the same as regular bacon, but it does eliminate 99% of the clean up so I've gone from point A "I need to eat bacon" to point B "I've got bacon" in 45 seconds and only messed up one plate. That's awesome! Now apply this character trait to fast food and here's what causes conflict; instead of driving all over town, trying to remember elaborate menu combinations (no ketchup, cheese only, no lettuce) for every member of the house, I'm more inclined to jump straight to point B "tonight we are eating chip crumbs and lunch meat (just meat we are out of bread)". Obviously this goes completely against Mandy's belief that man is the hunter and gatherer....and up until today I've given her grief about this. But today is a new day! And with this new day come change! Starting today I will always go get fast food whenever my wife asks me to and I'll do it with a smile! Why? Because I love her and I respect her and she's quit washing my undershirts and I can't have Spider-Man peeking out the collar of my pollo shirt during a meeting with my CFO! 

39 And Counting

Whenever I'm away from my blog for a bit I always feel the need to do a recap. As if I need to explain to my blog why I've ignored it for so long. It's kinda like going a couple weeks without talking to your mother, in that almost the exact same phrases are said "I know I should have called. I miss you too. I've just been busy. Yes I'm wearing clean underwear". The conversation is then followed by a Cliff Notes version of what's been happening. With that in mind here's the quick recap of April and May....

Baseball started, baseball ended, Baron came, Baron left, Adam passed the 3rd grade, Alex graduated preschool, for the 1st time in 10 years we are not paying daycare costs, we hired an awesome teenager to watch the kids during the summer, and I'm obsessed with trucks and grills. Maybe I'll go into more detail later on, then again maybe not (I've fallen in love with Netflix and she's taking some of my time).

I'm turning 40 this year which is depressing enough on its own, but once you also add in the fact that I've got two very energetic boys (9 and 5) it's understandable why some mornings I wake up more discouraged by this sad fact of life than others. Kids will keep you feeling young, but they can also remind you that you are no longer the spring chicken you used to be. Take this past weekend for example...

Things kicked off Friday night with a lap around downtown Florence's First Fridays craft fair. Alex insisted on practically running the 8 blocks. Turns out he remembered there was a guy that gave out free children's books somewhere along the route. Of course it was the last booth along the route (next month we will start there first). This was followed by a trip to Lowes for two laps around the store looking for air filters. 

The older I get the more I love Cypress creek. It's perfect for swimming, fishing, canoeing....the more I'm around it the more I wish I'd discovered it when I was in my teen years. That's one mistake I'm trying not to pass on to my kids so every chance I get I try to take them. That's where we ended up Saturday, fishing the creek from 1:30 to 4:00 (after another lap around Lowes looking for a mailbox). Lex got bored so I dropped him off at Gigi's and then headed to the river for more fishing. This was followed two hours later by the only meal of the day (a mushroom and swiss burger from McD's). Now at this point you'd think I'd have had my fill of activity, but when you are trying to keep up with a 9 yr old boy of course tennis is the next logical thing to do. I mean who wants to sit around watching movies and eating popcorn all night (Me!! I want to do that!!!). 

The thing about tennis with a kid that's only had one lesson is that it's more chasing the ball and not so much hitting it back n' forth. In fact it's more related to sit-ups then any sort of sport (or more like playing fetch with an old basset hound now that I really think about it). Imagine an overweight 39 year old body doing sit-ups for the first time in years and then throw the knowledge that he'd just consumed a Sun-Drop, two orange sodas, two Gatorades, a large fry, and a greasy onion covered steak sauce soaked mushroom swiss burger. As my face began to turn green, Adam actually looked up and asked "Do you not like exercise Daddy?" to which I was barely able to respond "I like it...*burp*..*pant*..*fight off nausea*...I just don't think it likes me!"  Which leads to the end of tonight's train of thought, where I can't help but wonder if these kids will remember days like this past Saturday and will complain a little less as they wheel my 80 yr old carcass down the nursing home hall. 

Mistakes Along The Way

March is traditionally a busy month for my family what with basketball ending, baseball starting, and both boys having a birthday. From my conversations with many around me, it seems that everyone is running full speed as fast as they can. As if we weren't stretched thin enough, this year marks a new level of activity as Alex takes his first steps onto the baseball diamond. With two boys playing ball at the same time already I can tell I'm going to have several hours each week where I do nothing more than sit in my bleacher seat and shout out words of encouragement.

From a father's perspective, I'll at admit to a rather large sense of anxiety as my children venture into the world of sports. As I mentioned Alex is just starting and already I can't help but feel a strong desire to be next to him every step of the way. As we began walking towards the field for his first practice my baby who had only turned 5 days before looked up at me and said "Daddy...could you carry me out there?". Now I wouldn't normally turn down such a request, but I felt this was something he needed to do on his own. I didn't stray too far though and ended up volunteering to help coach so I could be there when he needed me to help guide him through the paces of what was about to come. I guess if I thought he would let me, I'd be out there standing right next to Adam too.

From the sidelines I look at my boys and in their faces I see so many things. I see hope of making that next play, worry of not having the same talent level as the other kids, and I see myself standing out there feeling those same emotions. My conscience leads me down the trail of worry and before I know it I'm wishing I'd found more time to work on hitting, or throwing. I wonder what I could have done differently to help erase the doubts from their minds that they may never be up to the same standards as others. I guess that's one reason why after a particularly trying afternoon spent fussing with Adam, I made sure he understood that no matter what he does in life....no matter how bad things seem to get or how dark they may appear...his mother and I will always give him another chance to make things right. There's no such thing as striking out when it comes to loving our children.

God loves us that much. Now I'm not going to presume he sits around and worries about us all day or wishes he could do shield us from the difficult things in life, yet he is a God of second chances. I dare say there is not a thing we could ever do that would separate us from that love and the love of Jesus Christ. He could of simply erased Adam and Eve from existence, He could have left the Israelites in Egypt, and like the song goes He could have sent down 10,000 angels to punish those that sacrificed His Son on the cross. None of that happened though and that's where I want to leave you....are you giving those around you second chances? Are you forgiving those that have caused you pain? Are you setting aside differences? If not then you've missed something along the way. God is love and there's no better way to show that love than by looking past someone's missteps and bringing them closer rather than pushing them farther away.