Therapy

I'm a bit broken as of late. Don't get me wrong, Mandy & the boys are doing fine. Work is good. In this day and age a good job is hard to come by and I'm so thankful for the one I have. That all being said I'm different inside. My Grandfather Beck passed away this summer and while I'm sure the cracks started to form long before his passing, it was those final days when I appeared so strong to my Grandmother and other family members that left me feeling broken deep inside. It was as if an earthquake had hit my soul overnight and the effects couldn't be truly  seen until daylight finally arrived sometime later. 

Scenes keep running through my mind. The doctor telling me that as Power of Attorney I needed to understand my Grandfather was waiting on something before he would truly let go. I remember holding the phone up to his ear as I gave each child and grandchild one last moment to tell him how much they loved him. I remember the silence in the room moments after he passed away. Standing there wondering what to do next and who should I get to lead the family through the next few hours. In those quiet moments in the middle of the night some other part of me took charge and did what needed to be done. Call the nurse, check on Granny, call the funeral home, wait for the body to be released...I shut my own grief out and fulfilled the responsibilities the family entrusted me with over a year before.

Sometimes I understand that there's a good chance I have never truly allowed myself a chance to grieve fully for my own loss. Then again maybe I have and this brokenness inside of me will just remain like a cut in the bend of the arm that opens up every time I extend the muscle; never getting a chance to fully heal. 

These days I'm dealing with some fairly strong anxiety issues. I've accepted that I'm somewhat fractured (maybe I always have been in some way) and the best way to survive the day is by avoiding the triggers that bring about the inability to breath or think clearly. I no longer check the mail, I avoid strangers, and I'm learning there are better ways to deal with confrontation rather than screaming and rushing head long into a dispute. Most arguments are not worth having so I refuse to participate.

For the most part the results are good. Mandy is as supportive as she has ever been. There are days when my fears and emotions get the best of me, but I'm learning how to deal with them and get past them as quickly as I can. I fear my anxiety issues make me appear weak though. The dr says I have a chemical imbalance that doesn't allow my body to deal with stress well. I completely agree...so as a means of therapy...as a way to get things off my chest, I'm going to try this blogging thing again. Writing makes me feel better about things. Plus I want my boys to remember what their dad was like in his own words long after I'm gone, which is why i started blogging to begin with.