Fifteen

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I lifted that veil, stared into those sky blue eyes, and said I do. It seems like it just happened and everything that has changed in our lives took place overnight. 

The old apartment off campus that was so cozy and hidden away. I remember snow days when we would sled through the hills nearby. Summers that would melt candles into pools of wax upstairs. The bedroom covered in stars that would glow in the dark all night. I remember the first time we saw them as we lay in bed staring up at the angled ceiling above us. 

Fifteen years of trying to stretch a dollar. Separate shifts, only seeing each other for an hour a day for weeks at a time. Working two jobs during Christmas. Holding on to every random moment together. I remember waiting in the parking lot until 11:00 at night for her to get off work. Watching through the grocery store window as she mopped the floors and checked out one last customer. 

Fifteen years of simply enjoying each others company. Working together to paint Adams room in green, yellow, white, and blue stripes. Picking pecans off the old tree beside the house. Deciding to have a child and then another. Fifteen years of love. 

Now we have kids, and cats, and a nice house. Friends and family that we cherish. A church that we depend on and a strong faith in God. We both have careers we love. We have been blessed with two fantastic boys that make us laugh everyday with their honesty and how they resemble their mom and dad in looks and the antics they are always getting into. Fifteen years and it feels like I got everything I ever wanted in the blink of an eye. 

Fifteen years and she still causes me to stop and catch my breath when she walks into a room. I love you Mandy Beck. Let's see how long we can go with out blinking. 

Thanksgiving Traditions

Finally have a minute to stop and ingest all the goings on from this past week. Thanksgiving tends to come and go in terms of how high it ranks on my favorite holiday list, but these last few days have been such a blessing.  We have some holiday traditions that always remain unchanged; waking up at 6:00 A.M. to go get Mandy a newspaper, coming back to a hot cup of coffee while watching the Macy's parade with the boys, checking out all the sale papers. Later on in the afternoon Mandy leaves to do holiday shoping while the boys and I watch movies into the early hours of the morning.  

For some I suppose the food surrounding Thanksgiving plays a major part, but for me the true blessing of the holiday is the four days off with my family. Laughing, playing games, putting up Christmas decorations.....yes I love a good turkey with all the fixings (22 lbs this year), but I'd be just as happy with pizza as long as my family is there to share it with me. 

Planetary Pondering

"The sun and the moon are two different things." 

That was Alex this morning on the way to school. It's funny to hear these moments of realization the kids have from time to time. If you think about it this was a very smart statement by a six year old who just grasped that two planetary bodies existed separately on their own. The moon comes up at night, the sun in the morning. It would be easy to say the sun turned into the moon ala Clark Kent to Superman, after all the two are never in the same place as the same time. Except for this morning when a full moon appeared on one horizon with the sun on the other. Thus the sun is not the same thing as the moon. 

Pretty smart kid I got there! 

My Monday Mindset

Not much going on today other than being thankful that I'm finally feeling well for the first time in two weeks. This latest round of sinus trouble really hit me hard, robbing me of valuable time with the family. With Mandy working 4 hours a day and spending more time with the kids, I find myself feeling left out of their world a bit. I understand the importance of my job and my place in the family, but there seem to be inside jokes I'm not a part of and stories not being shared until weeks later. 

The kids are growing up too fast with Adam turning into more of a man everyday of the week. Alex promises to always be my buddy but I feel him growing beyond me more also. As for Mandy I'm constantly amazed by how much she can accomplish in one day. For example this morning before work she washed dishes, cleaned the den, folded a load of towels, and will keep up that pace until late into the night. She rarely asks for anything in return and I find myself regretting not being able to give her the world. The holidays are coming quicker than I would like and I'm going to do everything in my power to make them as easy and stress free for her as possible. 

In other news, the two girls next door moved away leaving Adam & Alex without anyone to play with in the afternoon. They won't miss them much now as the weather turns colder, but come Spring it will hit them harder as they get tired of spending all their time together and start looking for their buddies next door. New neighbors are sure to arrive soon bringing with them all sorts of anxiety issues. I'm already worrying about such minor things as if we will get along, will they keep their yard clean, will they be polite, respectful, law abiding citizens, or am I about to have to deal with a nightmare that has to constantly be guarded against. I'm pointing my energies at other places for the moment knowing all the while the second that moving van shows up, the thought of who is lurking next door will consume me. Like I've said before I'm aware of my anxiety issues and know my triggers. The first one being how much I hate change. 

The road to recovery

Boy did I ever get sick!!! Bronchitis and a sinus infection put a hurt on me going two weeks now. While I'm doing my best to get healthy again it seems the country and in some ways the entire world is swallowing some hard medicine themselves. This was a historic week for all of us as the unthinkable happened, Donald Trump won the office of President of the United States of America by a commanding lead. 

After 500 days of constant attacks by both democrats and republicans, endless debates and scandals, candidates coming and going,  America made its choice...and immediately turned on itself. Riots disguised as protests erupted all across the country as those few that were so accustomed to having their way and living off the government handout were faced with the very real possibility that the morals and beliefs that our founding fathers fought tooth and nail for were still alive in the hearts of many and about to be enforced. 

As incredibly shocking as it sounds there now exists a generation of those that believe that nothing is taboo and if it feels good it can't be bad. Sleep with who you want, be what gender you want, smoke what you want, go to whichever bathroom you want, molest, kidnap, and murder as you please...every opinion and lifestyle is welcome and the government should pay me for living. Do whatever you want as long as you don't say I can't, I shouldn't, God doesn't like, or that's immoral. Cops are the enemy and the drug dealer is just a friend helping deal with my pain. 

This election at least as it appears to be today some 4 days out, was a moment when the hard working, faith leaning, you don't get something for nothing, always ignored American said they had had enough. It's time for this country to go back to the days when illegal meant illegal, evil was punished, and God was at the center of the family. 

In the Beck house the boys got swept up in election fever like everyone else. They talked about it at school, it was prayed about at church, Mandy and I encouraged them to be aware of what was going on around them. Not only did both kids sit next to us as Mandy & I voted, Adam begged to stay up to see the results and even agonized over the idea that his chosen candidate Donald Trump might not win. As a parent it's moments like that when you do everything you can to encourage and breathe life into that small spark of interest your children are showing in something other than Minecraft or  Pokemon. 

It's only been a week and in this new world with Donald Trump as President things are still very fresh and scary even to those that supported his every word and idea. It will be months or even years before the full impact of this election is felt. For the moment though at least from my perspective one of the first and most obvious lessons learned is that maybe it's time to just turn the noise off. CNN, Fox, the media, the celebrity trash talk...I think I've had enough. If you are a comedian, make me laugh. A singer, sing me a song. After that just shut up. Too many unimportant people believe their opinions must be heard and hold weight. I'm thinking its time we all switched off the wifi and spent time getting to know not just ourselves and family better, but more importantly God. 

Sick Thoughts

I'm catching a cold. I'm a huge baby when I get sick; complaining and making all kinds of atrocious noises the very second I become congested. My Grandfather Beck was constantly sniffing his nose and clearing his throat. He would carry a white handkerchief with him and pull it from his pocket several times a day. I don't know if I have a memory of him in which he wasn't dealing with sinus problems. I myself want to crumble into a heap the moment I become infected like a pile of dirty laundry. People walking around me in disgust until I'm finally cured of my lepracy. 

Adam never gets sick. Just a few weeks ago the latest stomach bug ran rampant through the house hitting Alex, Mandy, and myself like a sledge hammer and completely avoiding Adam. Not so coincidentally he's also the most active of the bunch, playing a new sport every 6 weeks or so. 

Today is also the day after Brock's wedding anniversary. I forgot to call him and congratulate him on the occasion. Honestly I can't remember the last time I've talked to him about anything. That's a complicated story for a different day...

Other than that everything was normal yesterday. Normal is so underrated. I'd take normal any day of the week compared to a day filled with chaos. Is normal the best word? A better choice would be ordinary. My normal might be your chaotic mess. My chaotic mess might be your worst nightmare. It's all about what you are used to I guess. 

Halloween 2016

Last night was Halloween and as is the tradition we spent it at the Henson's house along with the Jacksons. I can't remember a Halloween without them. As a whole we've had our bumps in the road this year, but seemed to have survived. Life gets so complicated and messy at times. 

On the way there Adam asked what would things be like without these two families in our lives; after a bit of thought he concluded it would be a very sad place and decided not to think about it any further. I completely understand and pray we stay close to both families the rest of our lives. 

The holiday went by without any major happenings although Adam at 10 is ready to ditch us and go out with friends his own age. I understand he's getting older but my heart doesn't like it. I started writing because I was terrified of becoming a 1st time father and now a decade later the calendar is my worst enemy as each new day sees him becoming more independent. 

Alex on the other hand is perfectly fine being 6 and promises to never stop sleeping in our bed. We certainly may see a time when we are simultaneously begging Adam to stay in the nest and praying Alex will at least take a tiny step out. 

An Angry Dream

The dream came out of nowhere. Not that any dream is ever planned or expected, but just the same there I was early Saturday morning in those last few moments between awake and asleep when the realness of it caught me off guard. It's nothing new for me to be dreaming of the angry man (stepfather). I suppose he's there several times a week lurking in the background; huffing and puffing about something insignificant like old times. What made this one so shocking...so nerve shattering is that it felt so real. The angry man was moving out and leaving us all behind. 

In reality it was us that finally escaped...is escaped the right word or did we finally just grow up? Either way we moved on and left him behind. It was his fault. After years of fighting about nothing and everything, the constant verbal and physical abuse, faces slapped, punches thrown, we all got older and moved on. Except for the angry man. He got cancer and died. The disease made him soft and in his weakness I believe a sense of guilt came over him in those final months when the end was in sight. For the rest of us that chapter of our lives was finally over and as he passed we too moved on. Yet there he is every other night an image of anger and strength, a giant that would die for his family even though he treated them with such disgust all too often. It's such an odd feeling to love, fear, respect, and hate somebody all at the same time. 

I dreamed he was leaving us. He'd had enough of the anger. He'd grown tired of feeling so miserable all the time and had found somebody that made him happy. I,  his favorite combatant, was begging him not to go. I told him I loved him and as crazy as it sounded I enjoyed the constant fighting. I know that seems stupid but I guess in some demented way I loved arguing with him...no that's not it. I miss arguing with him. Maybe the real truth is that I'd gladly go another ten rounds with him if it meant he'd also be around to see my life now. 

Twenty years later and I've got such a wonderful family. He would love my boys so much. How smart they are. How they can't stand to take crap from anybody. How much like their father and their grandfather they have become. We weren't blood related, but we were family and in spite of the lack of any genetic connection the angry man is inside my DNA as much as my mother and biological father. I look at my kids and I see him in them too...that strength, the anger when they feel they have been wronged. 

I have no idea if I talked him out of leaving us, but I do know the angry man will always be inside me challenging me to a fight...demanding I be the best version of myself. Though I will always hate him for the hell he raised, I love him for the times in between when he taught me how to be a man and never back down from a fight. 

Staying Grounded

Adam is grounded for two weeks due to failing his open book test. Alex should be grounded too but for the life of me I can't figure out what the punishment for throwing lunchmeat should be. There are some things in which passing out punishment is easy; talking back = smack to back of head, bad grade = no TV or video games, hitting = sent to your room....throwing a slice of Carl Budding smoked turkey and a couple pieces of bread at your brother? It's been 2 days and I'm still struggling with that one. 

Grounding is a little like selling stuff at a yard sale in that you always set the price high enough so that you have room to negotiate down and still get a good deal. For Adam that meant he was told 2 weeks, but as the days go by and if he's lucky he will get days off for good behavior. Already Mandy and I are thinking school days only so 14 days has dropped to 10. He about had a heart attack when he realized that Saturday was included in the original two week period. I wonder if he knows the days of the week sometimes simply because he's always surprised when the next one comes and can never figure out when we go to church. "Do we have church today? Are we going twice or once (Wed nights)? Do have to get up and go to school tomorrow?" I literally saw him touch a red hot stove eye once after being told it was hot. In 6 years this person will be operating a motor vehicle. 

Grounding is almost as much a punishment for his parents as it is him...almost but not entirely. Truth be told I've been saving Night at the Museum 3 to watch with him, but if the mood hits me right he might just miss it. Plus I'm not cleaning the liter box at the moment which he can't stand to do. On the other hand, video games and TV do provide a distraction so his mom and I can get other things done without being constantly interrupted with "He won't stop touching me! Get out of my bedroom Alex! Mom Alex threw turkey at me!" I hate turning them into video game zombies, but those moments of piece and quiet are priceless someday. 

I don't know (the title of this post)

How do you accidentally throw a turkey sandwich at your older brother? That's just one of the many questions I never thought I would have to ask my children one day. The answer of course is " I don't know". Which seems to be the go to response to several questions around the house lately. How can you fail an open book test? Did you use soap when you took a shower? Who left these bread crumbs in my bed? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 

Each night I pray for wisdom, but I also pray that my boys will someday decide to use the brain God put between their ears. This morning during the ride into school I laid out the importance of good grades to Adam yet once again. Beyond the usual talk about how school is his job and good grades are how he gets paid; I got real with him and told him that someday it was going to be up to him to support the family. 

The truth is his mom and I are going to be really old one day and we will have spent all our money bailing Alex out of jail. I then begged Adam to consider a path in law so that Alex would never have to face the legal system with only a court appointed public defendant by his side. Of course I was half kidding, but anyone that throws a turkey sandwich at another person without any idea as to why, is bound to be in trouble with the law much sooner rather than later. I then realized mid-thought that I was talking to a 10 year old boy that routinely failed open book tests with no other answer as to why other then I don't know. 

I may start answering their questions with the same three word response just to see how frustrated they become when faced with such insanity. What's for dinner? Where is my tablet? Do I have lunch money? Where did the TV in my bedroom go? Who took the front wheel off my bicycle? Who keeps making Alex turkey sandwiches and telling him to throw them at me?

Therapy

I'm a bit broken as of late. Don't get me wrong, Mandy & the boys are doing fine. Work is good. In this day and age a good job is hard to come by and I'm so thankful for the one I have. That all being said I'm different inside. My Grandfather Beck passed away this summer and while I'm sure the cracks started to form long before his passing, it was those final days when I appeared so strong to my Grandmother and other family members that left me feeling broken deep inside. It was as if an earthquake had hit my soul overnight and the effects couldn't be truly  seen until daylight finally arrived sometime later. 

Scenes keep running through my mind. The doctor telling me that as Power of Attorney I needed to understand my Grandfather was waiting on something before he would truly let go. I remember holding the phone up to his ear as I gave each child and grandchild one last moment to tell him how much they loved him. I remember the silence in the room moments after he passed away. Standing there wondering what to do next and who should I get to lead the family through the next few hours. In those quiet moments in the middle of the night some other part of me took charge and did what needed to be done. Call the nurse, check on Granny, call the funeral home, wait for the body to be released...I shut my own grief out and fulfilled the responsibilities the family entrusted me with over a year before.

Sometimes I understand that there's a good chance I have never truly allowed myself a chance to grieve fully for my own loss. Then again maybe I have and this brokenness inside of me will just remain like a cut in the bend of the arm that opens up every time I extend the muscle; never getting a chance to fully heal. 

These days I'm dealing with some fairly strong anxiety issues. I've accepted that I'm somewhat fractured (maybe I always have been in some way) and the best way to survive the day is by avoiding the triggers that bring about the inability to breath or think clearly. I no longer check the mail, I avoid strangers, and I'm learning there are better ways to deal with confrontation rather than screaming and rushing head long into a dispute. Most arguments are not worth having so I refuse to participate.

For the most part the results are good. Mandy is as supportive as she has ever been. There are days when my fears and emotions get the best of me, but I'm learning how to deal with them and get past them as quickly as I can. I fear my anxiety issues make me appear weak though. The dr says I have a chemical imbalance that doesn't allow my body to deal with stress well. I completely agree...so as a means of therapy...as a way to get things off my chest, I'm going to try this blogging thing again. Writing makes me feel better about things. Plus I want my boys to remember what their dad was like in his own words long after I'm gone, which is why i started blogging to begin with.