The thing about anxiety is that so many times you don’t realize you are going through a bad case of it until you’ve somehow managed to come out on the other side. Sure you may recognize a symptom or two while in the heat of the moment, but rarely to the point where it clicks that you are quickly going down a bad path. At least that’s the way it is with me at times. Path is an interesting word to use in this case because it gives the image of different roads to travel down. Each road representing a different decision that needs to be made and each decision a potential catastrophe that could spawn from making the wrong choice. Pretty soon ever neuron and synapses is clogged like a rush our traffic jam full of angry middle aged white guys all trying to get on & off the interstate at the same time.
Not to say that I can’t recognize that I’m having a difficult time dealing with all that’s going on around me, it’s just that recognizing the signs and turning around the train are two completely different tasks. I have triggers that I definitely avoid as much as I can, but there are some that simply can’t be avoided. Any holiday that involves me having to buy something for someone else sends me over the edge. Checking the mailbox. Large crowds...small crowds for that matter (I guess that would just be people then.lol). Most recently teaching my teenage Adam how to drive is something that scares the living daylights out of me. Gotta be done though. Me having a debilitating fear of life isn’t an excuse for not living it. One reason I got off the meds was so I could be more involved and that’s certainly what’s happening. I’m getting all the involvement I can stand and then some. Chemical imbalance be dammed, I gotta learn to push through it and make the hard choices easier and the easy choices not so hard.
Keeping busy helps. Lately I’m at my most depressed when just sitting and staring at the television. Back in the day I would live for a Saturday spent on the couch. Those days are gone though as an idle mind brings an avalanche of anxiety. What if’s will choke you just as easily as a piece of overdone steak will.
I try surrounding myself with sayings that keep me positive. Knickknacks that keep my hands and deepest parts of my brain moving. Avoiding the signs that my mind is going to down a path of potholes and self made obstacles. I think the hardest part is that just because I have it under control today, doesn’t mean I’m fixed or cured. Everyday brings a new set of hurdles and like a leaky faucet, if I don’t keep a constant watch on how things are filling up I’m likely to end up with a bucket and a mop trying to clean up the mess (God I love metaphors).
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